The Green Tortoise Hostel, San Francisco - "You're bending rules like they've never even been written"

My third day in San Francisco and I'm completely captivated, every time I walk around in this city my imagination is set a flame. The beautiful architecture of the city's buildings is so cosmopolitan, once can walk 5 blocks and they'd flown across 5 countries.

I'm afraid I'm drawn to this lack of knowledge concept yet again, as I feel it here whenever I step out into the street, it's incredible. San Fran is steeped in history and character. Not 2 minutes down the road from where I'm residing for the next 3 weeks is City Lights book store. Which was very influential in exposing and publishing the work of the beat poets. A generation of artists who dared to push boundaries and challenge the status quo - truly very sixties, walking around the store I felt a real sense of history, right here an artistic evolution took place. Surronded by books of such variety, ones you'd never find in the mainstream book store, with the face of Walt Witman pasted on one wall and a smiling photo of Allen Ginsberg on the other, simple messages of politics and philosophy chalked in between shelves, this place really draws me in. The books that surround me let me know "you've got the basics of the beat generation, of poetry, politics, philosophy, but you've simply dipped your toe in an ocean.

This same feeling returned as I got lost in China town.This community consists of many shops which are exclusively Chinese, where the owners speak very little English and all the signage is in Mandarin. Looking through the shops here I was overcome with that sense of wonder I get when watching a Chinese martial arts epic...where everything, and I do mean everything is completely different to what I know. Culture, style, language, history and this didn't serve me well in separating the tat from the valuable items in the China town stores. The toe in the ocean metaphor is most definitely applicable here. When I'm walking around and I find something, an object say, decorated beautifully, crafted with incredible skill, but I have no clue what it does my mind is set racing again and I love this sense of mystery. The whole far east Asian culture is so enigmatic to me and this gives it such awesome appeal.

Today City Lights book store still continues to not only publish and put out great literature but hold events to give a live forum to the artists of alternative schools of thought. So it was that this evening I sat in a small, intimate upstairs area of the book store, where members of the beat generation bared their souls and I listened to some poetry from the politically conscious of today. An event in honour of the release of the artist's journal "Left Curve". Which deals with the artists place and their expression in a post modern, consumerist world, where the vast majority of people would rather watch TV then think about philosophy or politics, even wider society in general. Currently I'm reading HG Wells novel "The Time Machine", I mention this because one of the presenters of this evening made me feel that I had indeed traveled through time, back to the sixties, where a group were threatening to push to boundaries of society's consciousness outwards beyond the institutions and doctrines which had erected walls around them. The room was half dark, an old style projector, click, flick, clicked into life behind us and showed a short black and white film, accompanied by a live reading of poetry and a live musical score on guitar, it was made easy to transcend from this time and place to a space in history we so often wish for.

Out here is very much a literal case of up one hill and down another over and over again. Which leaves you feeling often disorientated, but that ceases to matter every time you reach the top, catch your breath and look at the view that sprawls out in front of you.

San Diego - "I hope to God I get five minutes in heaven before the devil knows I'm dead"

I wrote before about knowledge and how I've come to terms with how little I actually know, I want to talk about this again from a slightly different perspective.

In the US they have what are called "Thrift stores", which are essentially fuck off big charity shops. Being a charity shop they obviously sell books, all the ones I've purchased have ranged in price fro 50 cents to no more then 2 bucks. So far I've accumulated probably around 25 books of various types. Books on philosophy, politics, drugs, the works of Homer, literary classics, Books on theatre, many various topics. I find myself working through them at an average pace of probably around a book every 3 days. I'm finding I simply can't read enough, I can't gain enough information and I'm loving it, I'm just loving the process of learning, which makes a nice change from my school days.

With this increased access to knowledge and the increased amount of knowledge I'm gaining I find this great impulse to be more creative. To write more regardless of whether it be prose or poetry, fiction or non - fiction. However part of me thinks it would be wrong of me to write about a particular topic, as part of this learning process seems to be that the more I learn, is accompanied with a realisation of how much more there is that I don't know.

The answer I'm moving towards is to let go of straight forward and direct ideas, to be more creative and to not try and tackle a specific topic just yet. Instead to write creatively and try and master the use of language to create emotion or imagery as opposed to direct theoretical points. To paraphrase Socrates (pronounced So-crates for those uninitiated in Bill and Ted) "The poets no know what they speak of, it is those who read it, who interpret it that draw the meaning".

Sorry if this was boring, just a small musing.

Rhys, Rhys Savage - RHHYYYSSSS

Rhys savage.

San Diego - "They say that in war that truth be the first casualty"

Tomorrow I fly out to San Francisco, my time in San Diego having officially come to an end. Casting the mind back over the last month, I'm considering how to summarise the whole experience, how do I view it?

I think the main thing I've done out here is see city close to how it really is, sure I've been through and done all the touristy shit and that's been great. But in staying here so long I've got to know the backstreets as it were. I've been able to appreciate small farmer's markets and the subtle architectural and cultural differences that occur as one diffuses outwards from the city centre. There are the little things that make home, home. In San Diego, I've found some of those, I know the best place for me to go for a walk where I can sit and write and take in the view. I know my favourite place to go and chill out in the middle of the day. I recognise some of the people that live around here. And although this may not seem like much, it's a nice experience to have, to feel that I know the city that little bit better then most tourists.

I'm stoked for San Francisco, having heard nothing but good things about it, sounds like a city with a great vibe all round. The hostel I'm staying in looks like a real sweet place to stay having been recommended to me by several different people. I'll be in San Francisco for three weeks from tomorrow, Tuesday the 26th April and I can't wait.

A coffee shop, San Diego - "We stepped into the wind he had a gun I had a gun, you think this story's over but it's ready to begin"

So I've been trying something new since I've been out here. In an effort to lose some weight and get generally fitter I've changed my diet and started working out. It started when I was at home. Where I figured a simple way to lose weight would be to eat no more then 3 meals a day and stop eating products simply for the sugar kick. Essentially not eating any refined sugar, no chocolate, cake, crisps, cake, pastries etc. After sticking to that for a while I combined it with a daily run. I just wanted to talk about how this whole weight issue has been for me over the past month and half/two months.

The positives then: An improvement in physical appearance. Feeling generally healthier. Regained physical fitness that was lost once I stopped playing sports regularly.

Issues with the whole thing: Clearly the criteria for what constitutes improved physical appearance is subjective and differs from person to person. The general consensus, what we are taught to think, is that a certain view of beauty is correct. Part of this is being slim. In trying to improve my physical appearance according to pre - approved guide lines of beauty am I selling myself out? Am I acknowledging that I think someone has to have a particular body shape to be attractive? When I don't consciously believe that to be the case? When I in face think it's wrong and shallow to judge someone to a large extent on physical appearance.

Perhaps it's a deeper self conscious part of me that worked it's way to the surface. If so does that worry have any rational grounding for me? As we can see from above it shouldn't do according to my own line of thought.

I'm stumped with this one. Yes I wanted to lose weight, so I'd feel more comfortable and confident in my physical appearance, not that this was ever an issue that actively effect my confidence in any major way.

This healthier life style is certainly and interesting experiment. One that I feel in many ways is only possible because of my current situation, within which I'm trying to save money and thus food that isn't necessary is discouraged due to financial constraints and the persistent working out is facilitated by the fact I have enough free time to do it.

All in all I do feel healthier in general which is most certainly a good thing, I also feel more confident in my physical appearance, I still can't decide whether or not this is a good thing, on the surface it clearly is but is it a result of me succumbing to societal pressures which are founded on conceptions designed to make us feel self conscious and as such are pressures which I should be striving to move above.

I think I'm gonna continue with this routine for the next month or so until I get home. Remembering to not be to strict with it as it's fundamentally not that important. Treating it not as a way of achieving a desired outcome other then being generally healthy. It'll most likely prove difficult to continue the exercise at home anyway. So after writing this, fuck all of a conclusion has been achieved.

I feel this is an interesting issue though, I know it's not that important as far as moral dilemmas go but still I think it's someone a lot of people experience.
Please add to the discussion on this either on here or via facebook, I'm curious to hear your thoughts as I'm very much on the fence at the moment :).

San Diego Zoo - "I can't fail the way I did before, don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored"

Yesterday I wound up at the San Diego Zoo, supposedly one of the best in the world. Truly it was fascinating, an incredibly eclectic array of animals lay within separated into sections according to the habitat they came from. Lining each pathway throughout the zoo are aviaries that hold birds of extraordinary colour and physical composition. Walking through, my mind and imagination were pulsing with wonder at just how beautiful nature could be. But whilst having my mind blow by the developments of nature I simultaneously felt very uncomfortable.

Animals caged for live human entertainment. I saw a beautiful leopard, pacing back and forth in front of me, it's eyes staring narrowly through the pane of glass separating me from being ripped apart. Back and forth. It was obvious this animal was distressed. An elephant standing completely still and rolling it's head from side to side, playing with it's trunk, it's eyes long since glazed over.

I started thinking about zoo animals and more commonly domesticated animals, house hold pets. Many similarities can be drawn. The main difference is that the pet gets more love and attention. Or at least we would expect it to whereas the logistics of running such a large operation with several animals would this extremely difficult.

We're left still with the argument of weather or not it's right to domesticate animals at all. If they receive enough positive physical and mental engagement, I think it can be justified.

I'm aware this post is very underdeveloped in terms of actual moral analysis. But it displays my instant reaction the whole situation.

From the edge of a pier, San Diego Marina - "You never know just what you have 'till it's gone over the rainbow"

If you're reading this then it's fair to say you know me. You'll be aware of the fact that I'll have an opinion on most matters of politics you can bring up and that I take great pleasure in sinking my teeth into any philosophical dilemma thrown my way. This, as you and I both know, is a fairly prevalent personality trait.

What I'm slowly coming to terms with however, is how little I actually do know. I think debating and arguing are wonderful ways to test and expand one's knowledge. However only if you're willing to admit defeat, to admit ignorance and concede that the idea you had undertaken as correct, is flawed.

I find myself trying to bear this line of thinking more and more in mind. It is this combined with the time I've been afforded out here, and of the course the enjoyment I get from it, that has lead me to the extensive reading I've been doing. Extensive to me at least.

A street performer, a wonderful free thinker who resonates greatly with me would frequently say "don't believe a word I say". Take the ideas that resonate and make sense to you, but never be afraid to change them in light of new information, never be afraid to say "I was wrong about that and have changed my mind".

And sure thinking like this can be frustrating, you just have to be patient and be willing to make mistakes. The best way we learn is from our fuck ups.

Lucky D's Hostel, San Diego - "Now show your hands, you have no right to complicate"

It's fascinating,I think, to examine the relationship between pleasure and consumption. Thinking of the things we, speaking generally of the wider population, enjoy doing are temporary fixes. We enjoy indulging in food regardless of whether or not it's healthy or of necessary nutritional value. We enjoy the temporary high we get from alcohol, before it wears off or we over indulge. For the younger generations it's about action figures, dolls, trading cards and the other latest trends. For the teens and young adults it's video games, DVD players, sports equipment and finally it becomes all this plus clothes and cars and houses. It seems that although one's happiness may not actually correlate with their consumption we generally believe that it does. Look no further for an example of this then people who consider shopping a past time. I don't mean to cast judgement on this method of seeking pleasure. It just seems to me that this form of pleasure, primarily material, always consumptive, is incredibly temporary.From a socio - political/economic stand point this is arguably a result of the system we live in. A liberal capitalist society, with what is essentially a free market. We gain money, we spend it for a temporary kick, we go make more. A constant cycle of producing so we can consume.

I guess I've always been thinking about possible alternatives to this, although I may never have expressed that in a such a specific framework. When we feel the need to consume, we are acting on desires or cravings we believe we have. They may be our own, they may have been subtly pushed into us through various of cohesion. When we seek pleasure we seek to stimulate our mind, his is done through satisfying our desires or by altering, challenging, changing our perceptions. The latter of these would serve as reasoning why alcohol is so popular. The question then, is how do we pursue these results without relying on the consumption of things we fundamentally don't need or that do us no long term good.

The idea to which I'm drawn I struggle to articulate in an all encompassing manner. If the following doesn't come across as understandable then I apologise and hope that the examples that follow will aid the reading of this idea. I think the key to an excitement and enjoyment lies in two inter related things, information and perception. Our perception is how we see the world, how we understand this consequently effects our relationship to it. When I say information I mean to encompass all ideas, theories, beliefs, history and all of the seemingly endless ocean of knowledge we have access to. Information is what moulds our perceptions and is therefore what changes them.

I must stress that when I refer to information I don't mean just scholarly knowledge and ideas of the published intellectual. I mean all that which communicates ideas whether this be in the form of reference or art, religion, culture, tradition.

The problem we have is that we are stuck in the idea that majority of western society, "The American Dream" being the easiest way to qualify this. When we seek to expand our perceptions, through the examination of information we have taken a path that is undeniably exhilarating. To be be able to continually surprise our self and reach beyond what we know. I find within myself (it may be exclusive to me but what am I to base my thoughts on if not my own experience?) a constant desire to seek what is true. Even though I'm consciously aware that the very notion of anything being "true" is essentially impossible. What certainly is impossible is me ever being able to say for sure what is true. I find this whole process of seeking truth in itself thoroughly enjoyable, for it excites my mind and constantly changes my perceptions.

It's all very well speaking of this idea of information being an alternate route to pleasure by exciting the mind through constant development, but how does it come about in practice? For me personally, generally learning and educating myself on that which I am drawn to is an answer, through various means of reading, listening to lectures, watching documentaries etc. But I think it is present on a wider scale and on a far more subtle level. Conversation, just talking to each other and sharing ideas and opinions, whether debating, arguing or just shooting the shit, all of this I think evolves our perceptions and excites us intellectually. We have the phrase "The art of conversation" for a reason. Through music, listening and interpreting and generally experiencing we can also lean so much, likewise with film. Through any forms of art which show us something different from the view perpetuated by the main stream.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is how I live my life, hell I enjoy sitting down with my little brother watching professional wrestling and playing a bit of xbox.

The above is just some theorising on consumption and materialism which popped into my head today.

Lucky D's Hostel, San Diego - "My goddess gave birth to your god"

Let me tell you a story about karma, Abercrombie and Fitch and a hostel in San Diego. I don't remember his name. I always called him Abercrombie. Whenever he introduced himself he made it known that he worked for the over - priced fashion outlet and if he were in the company of a female, which he often tried to be, the revelation of his employment would be followed up with a very deliberate lift of the shirt, glint of the eye and "I couldn't guess why". Yes he was tanned, toned with washboard abs and hair so thick with wax you could use it as a candle. The kind of guy who looks like an extra at Madame Tussaud's, skin so bronzed and perfect you didn't know whether it was flesh or plastic. So clean he looked greasy, or maybe that was my opinion manifesting through my site. All interaction with women was overtly arrogant flirtation. All interaction with men was bragging about said flirtation. I don't know how the term douche bag fell into modern slang or when it came to have such a rigid definition, regardless, it's fair to say; Abercrombie was the archetypal douche bag.

The wonderful hostel I'm staying at is kind enough to provide free dinner three nights of the week. It's the kitchen where out story begins, an easy going vibe, typical of the hostel, is resonant throughout our little banquet hall. You can almost hear the vaginas slamming shut as Abercrombie makes his entrance. He makes no effort to hide the fact he's drunk, boasting about the extensive day drinking he's done at the Ivy. Free dinner is fish tacos. Free dinner makes everything taste good. When someone has the grace to cook for you, irrelevant of the quality, the tacos were real nice as it goes, one should generally have the gratitude to be thankful. Can you guess where this is going? AFers has the audacity to moan about the food, "these are the cheapest fish tacos I think I've ever had" his tone was one of condescension and complaint, not one of revelry in the fact they were free. As you may of guessed that comment pissed people off, his drunken bragging about this and that does nothing to quell the passive aggressive stares and sighs being directed his way.

Abercrombie sets his plate down beside mine and takes up the seat below it. I continue the conversation to my right, trying to ignore his on presence to my left. "You...you know what would really make these fish tacos Tom?" he says with a vague alcohol - induced glaze over his eyes, "Some sour cream, I just really think it would it off don't you?" Exhibit A: The douche bag, Exhibit B: The drunken douche bag, identical in composition to the former, with a heightened ability to annoy and brag. My response to the Fitchmeister was as follows: "You know man, me and you should go drinking sometime," "Yeah?" he replied. "Yeah man. I've got no problem with your kind of people." A confused haze dictates the tone of his response, "What do you mean my kind of people?" I continue "You are gay right? I'm gay myself I thought we could go out together..." With some vigour and, in perhaps a suspiciously defensive tone, "I'm not gay!" - Exit Abers.

He seemed the kind of person who would be offended by such a comment and apparently he was. From what I hear our HE - Man wannabe went outside for a cigarette and then managed to incur the wrath of three drunk baseball fans. Allegedly the baseball douche bags made a snide comment about living in a hostel, to which our Zoolander imitator didn't take to kindly. A fight ensued and HE - Man failed to summon any power of grayskull. He got beat down, punched and kicked, resulting in a black eye, a bulging cheek bone and a severely bruised ego. Exhibit C: The emasculated douche bag, a stuttering awkward mess who tries to defend his ego.

So he got beat up, I'm not saying that's karma, I'm not saying he deserved it, I'm just saying it somehow feels just. When Abercrombie relayed the traumatic incident to his employer he was apparently told he shouldn't live in a place where he's prone to getting the shit kicked out of him. Basically "You're a fucking moron, the only thing that makes you employable is your face." Now I'm not saying this was karma, but he got beaten up and has left the hostel. So long Abercrombie, so long.

I don't remember where I wrote this, some in San Diego - "Break down to the essence"

I feel like it's been too long since I wrote in here.

When I was in school I felt like I was wasted, I felt there was this potential, this desire to get out and do something, anything that allowed me some form of expression or engagement with others and looking around in that light blue common room, with the dense humidity of perspiration I could see potential in others as well all of it unrealised. When I got out, I felt fucking great. I could do all the things I was prevented from doing before. I could travel, protest, write, meet new people and just generally enjoy a life of my own.

Gradually I'm coming to terms with something. I'm understanding the true value of patience. I feel no great need to rush and have everything I wanna do done at once. Everything takes time and whatever I seek as a final goal, the process of striving towards it should match or surpass the achievement of the goal itself. I'm aware that these statements must sound obvious and somewhat worn out, but for me they're holding true and I'm really coming to recognise what they mean.

Getting away has in many ways been like an outer body experience. Providing me with a fresh perspective on my situation back home. I've come to a new appreciation for the little things we take for granted, as I'm sure most of us do when we're away from home for a while. Also though I've had the opportunity to change and rectify the parts of my self I wasn't happy with. This procedure has me making a of all the shit to do this summer wand has given me an energy to get on and plan it so when I get home I have no time wasted and really use the potential I have.

Coming out of education was incredibly freeing, but in deciding on this trip I snared myself in an economic net. Where I was constantly weary of saving money. This trip is incredible for sure, but being at home free to spend money as I wish; on important things I might add, not the exciting pursuit of clothes and trainers, is gonna be really awesome.

Lucky D's - "Take everything your parents taught you and throw it too the dirt"

You know that feeling where you wake up with two marines in your room which was empty upon going to sleep? That's right over the weekend the jar heads were in town and there head is indeed as empty as the most empty jar one could imagine. Hoo-fucking-rah. Nah that weren't much trouble, just brainwashed douche bags.

Before this trip I think it's fair to say I had some strange delusion of the lone traveler,who through living cheaply and scraping his way up the west coast of the US by any means necessary approaches some sort of enlightenment. The common way trips like this are viewed, those during a gap year, is that a kid is trying to find himself and see some of the world before he goes off to uni and finally sells his soul into the slavery bonds of employment post graduation.

Viewing what I'm doing from the context of this trip alone however is to ignore all that has preceded it since I took this year out. I've been able to study that which I want to. Meet countless like minded people. Attend protest and perform activism, memories of which will remain forever. I've been able to write, to play music, do all which I wanted bus was shut off from before.

The whole idea of finding oneself, however cliche, is in my opinion of the utmost importance. It's not the experience of this gap year and this trip that is making me who I am. It's those experiences which are allowing me to become who I've been for sometime now, and as that comes out it evolves with each second that passes. Me being who I really am facilitates the evolution of my consciousness and my perceptions. Whereas if I was just being a product of my social surroundings and a reaction to those individuals within them no evolution would take place. This would be due to the fact that a false self is being projected at the situations and scenarios which propagate personal evolution.

These are my current thoughts, I may re - read this before I type it up and disagree completely with it, but there you go. Take it as an idea, ignore who's saying it. A thought on the issue inspired by Terence Mckenna who states enlightenment isn't some "Oh my god" / "Eureka" moment. It's a slow process. I think the same can be applied to the idea of finding ones self.

Lucky D's Common Room - "We tell them we reggae, then we tell them again"

Second day here, first in full. Hit a couple of museums and got knackered, ok enough of that. So I wanna write something that I've frequently spoken of with people but never articulated into a complete passage.

From a very early age we are set into social situations where the age range is very controlled, very limited. This is primarily done through the education system which has children's ages separated from four years old to eighteen. Speaking from experience it's remarkable how much of an impact this has on an individual.

What it does is contain ones mind in a world where perceptions can become limited and no voice of experience is present. One effect this has is producing personalities of remarkable similarity. The development of social stereotypes and various high school cliques is arguably a result of this.

The problem with this set up is that it gives no accurate reflection of the wider society. A job being an effective, if dull, example. Where I work ages run from sixteen, nineteen, through to late twenties, mid thirties and mid to late fifties. Wide range of age, experience and perspective which will inevitably help the mind of an individual evolve both personality and perceptions. It is my opinion that not only is this age segregation irreflective of wider society but on a more basic level, nature as well.

The reason I write about this is because of the situation I now find myself in. In the hostel you've got ages from 18 up to forty. People who are travelling, holidaying, temporarily living and people working here. Dozens of individuals each with a different story to how they came to be in San Diego. Beyond that there is obviously a wealth of nationalities present too. English, Irish, American, French, German, Danish, Israeli, Brazilian, the list goes on. Everyone getting on and living peacefully with no one being segregated due to age, social status or fashion sense.

Two years ago I was stuck in school with everyone being the same age as me. Of course I had a lot of love for my friends, who mostly share this opinion I think, but aside from them everyone just felt boring and the same, there was no real diversity of ideas or experience. Whereas here there's nothing but diversity.