So I made it, I'm here. Twenty two hours of airport, plane, airport, plane, airport. It's currently half three in the afternoon and I feel as jet lagged as a bear who's missed winter hibernation. I wish I could hibernate. So my head's pretty fucked up at the moment, there's this persistent conflict of emotion. The weather's stunning; really hot, really sunny, only a vague remnants of clouds in the sky - Looks like a Jackson Pollack, only he's started on a blue canvas, only has white paint and really can't be asked. I've got three months ahead of me with near unlimited potential to explore, yet my mind tends to wander towards the negative, a fear of the unknown perhaps. I'm used to being confident and sure in my actions and decisions, why is this? Because my physical surroundings are sufficiently understood so that I may manipulate them to suit my own ends. Need to get somewhere?Find the nearest bus/train. Need to get somewhere? What, no car? Ha, fuck you. Everything really is bigger in the US. And it's that physical scale that on the one hand creates huge potential for activity and exploration but on the other scares the holy hell out of me. The worry then is that my wits alone may not be enough to get me by.
There's also the fear I may lose myself. The worry that changing the animal's parameters may fundamentally change the animal. Change is inevitable, it is the nature of our very existence, I mean what is this life if anything more then a single moment in perpetual change? I suppose I don't want to have to compromise what I feel to be my true self in order to get by. It's all very well knowing who I am, it's all very good being that person in a space where I'm comfortable with the parameters. The true test of the self is to be able to to accurately express who I think I am in an alien environment where I'm uncomfortable with my surroundings.
There was a long time spent thinking about this trip, planning it, theorising it, speaking it, verbalising it and all of a sudden it's real. I'm sitting in someones back garden in Scottsdale Arizona, in twenty six degree heat. Somehow I actually made this happen. I once wrote about how we can change our own world just by thinking it. By looking at things in a different light we can change how we think of them and how we react to them. I still stand by this idea. I also wrote once in a poem "There is thinking about acting and there is acting" now although that line may suck poetically, I like to think it means something. I can change my own world, my own perspective all I want but if I want to take that change and externalise i, if I wanna put that scene on a stage then I have to grow some balls and do it. Remembering that will put me in good stead for this trip: I need a good set of balls.
"Enough you pretentious, boring bastard! Give us some diary like diatribe." Ok. Couple of strange moments of synchronicity so far. Sometimes I think that the way the universe is it can respond to how we behave and create these moments. Sometimes I think that's absolute crap and I'm simply replacing the word "God" with "Universe" and taking away the fact that I myself made this happen. Anyway; got served by a girl in a restaurant who complimented me on my shirt (get in!) because it had a robot on it and she really likes robots. I don't think people liking robots is weird, ok I do, but beyond that it's very uncommon, she had a robot tattoo on the back of her neck. I know one person who likes robots that much and she's one of my best friends. Secondly I mentioned to Nancy, the woman I'm staying with here, that I'd like to see the Grand Canyon. Who did she meet a few days before I got here...director of tourism for the Grand Canyon.
One last thing. I heard on the news that the west coast of the US; where I'm heading may be at potential risk of some sort of geological fallout from the Japanese earth quake, that's to say they might have one of their own. Yeah, this trip is gonna be interesting...
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